quot;ter never breat; t t I found te to be true.  alive and at one ess and Eded tudio to ion and at t;You ; Over t eal, regenerating it constantly from to confess, seeking to craft a texture t o explain. I felt t if s ory in tess and and forgive. In my studio, I could take refuge at tains to feel safe and whe music.

    By time, I ra—a impani from Carnegie-Mellon, a feo perform t ed. After Edess took  to o give me time alone in to finis a crapped in  out of ion, living in ternal life locked to all communication side reality.

    After struggling for years to find t stolen c across tes on taves a marvel of matical beauty and precision. tories told at time—ter erpoint. My met to juxtapose eacs double, for t is not reality. Sometimes our ts and dreams are more real t of our experience, and at ots t o e fast enougo capture tes t floing as amanuensis. I  to fully transcribe to assign all of trumentation—tasks t migake monto perfect—but tial process of setting doed, as if in a s relentless logic, strange to to me e all along.

    At five oclock t afternoon,  and , I  to tctle of beer, and drank it on tairs. My plan , ty spaces ivity and accomplis. Moments after stepping into t sairs. it turning off ter, I stepped out, o, and o investigate. One of tains. , I stood til a sudden discordant ened me, as if a cat , but tudio y and silent. I took a long look around.

    t on table , not fallen to t any tary page fluttered across t to see. ubbed my toe on t on a piece of glass,  teps to t mig my manuscript. My bedroom y. In our sons room anot no glass littered t ttered from t. to clear my  for a moment on t for tion, and ts of Edess filled me  it, rue nature? I pulled at my  ill my scalp acoget noened to unravel.

    In team billo into tumbled to s off ter. On t mirror, someone . Copied above, note for note,  measure of my score.

    quot;You little fuckers,quot; I said to myself as the mirror.

    After a restless and lonesome nigo my mot immediately ans s still be asleep, and  over to to look in. From tcanding to her.

    quot;Doors never locked,quot; s; brings you ;

    quot;Good morning. Cant a guy come and see  girl?quot;

    quot;O I fry you a couple of eggs?quot; S tove, and I sat at tcable, its surface pocked  from dropped pots and pans, nicked by knives, and lined  impressions of letters ten t stirred memories of our first breakfast together.

    quot;Sorry I ; s;I ying up loose ends. Is everyt ;

    I empted to tell  ook atle German boy snatcale of tolen score. But soo care tory . Noneto tell someone, at least provisionally, of my past errors and t to commit.

    quot;Ive been under a lot of pressure lately. Seeing t truly myself. Like Im being follo;

    quot;Folloroubles is ty conscience.quot;

    quot;ed. And Ive got to sort it out.quot;

    quot;o my prayers. And o sing you to sleep every nigest trying to sing along  you could never carry a tune. t certainly co you t nig;

    quot;It is like tc;

    quot;Dont believe in fairy tales. trouble is inside, ; Sted my ;A mot;

    quot;;

    quot;; Sed  my cure from my ced. quot;You are uring yourself ions. Little devils.quot; S ered ;  tmares out of your ;

    I stood to go, t and kissed reated me kindly over the years, as if I had been her own son.

    quot;Ive known all along, ; she said.

    I left t asking.

    I resolved to confront t ing me. to flus ters, I o t Service provided topograping iculous detail, and I laid a grid over to manageable plats. For te my loat and my aversion to nature, I explored a feier te flag of one deer running atle flies. Not muc plenty of junk—a sattered er; a small mound of empty cigarette packages; a canteen; a tortoisesones; a stopped camped Property Of County Library.

    Aside from t on its cover and t musty odor to its pages, tact. tory revolved around a religious fanatic named tarer or tearer. I gave up reading novels in cificial ruts construct elaborate lies to t could be kno t be just teen-year-old , so I took it back to tually nobody  midsummer day, except for a cute girl beer.

    quot;I found t belongs to you.quot;

    S t  treasure, brus;Just a minute.quot; Sack of stamped cards. quot;t t been c at all. Did you forget?quot;

    quot;No,quot; I explained. quot;I found it, and ed to return it to tful o;

    quot;Maybe I can ;  poked me in the ribs.

    I leaned close and smiled at ;Do you ;

    S. quot;;

    quot;Or fairies. Imps, trolls, sprites, c sort of t;

    t me as if I ;You s lean on t. talog rigical by subject, title, or aut;

    Ratcuts to useful information, one searc anot, t ed in forty-titles, of  t searco goblins and urn branco abnormal psycism. Lunc lig a nearby convenience store I bougtle of pop, and I sat on a bency playground, contemplating task before me. to knoen. In tless sunser y sunburn on one arm and t side of my face. From tared a person divided in t tried to keep my profile two-dimensional.

    My dream returned in full detail t nigess and I spoke quietly on t in to ter. As wallflowers: Jimmy Cummings, Oscar Love, Uncle Che librarians in bikinis.

    quot;; seased. quot;Still cers?quot;

    quot;tess, its not funny.quot;

    quot;Im sorry, but no one else can see t. Only you.quot;

    quot;But t if t;

    quot;t  Eddie. t you.quot; Sood up, tugged at ttom of , and jumped in ter er felt, and frog-kicked my o tess so me, reamlined and graceful, and  opped and stood, ter ran off ing like a curtain to reveal not  all, but a ening. I blancarily; t back again to ;s tter, love? Dont you kno;

    I  back to ted for a feitles, and sat do a corner table. tually every particular and no better tion. Nobody e accurately about ts and customs,  person o make t one single  o get rid of uned visitors. Or o protect your c in tales, I became ive to tillness of my surroundings, jarred by t penetrated t first to be tron languidly turning pages, or one of t of side for a smoke. Soon every minute sound intensified in t.

    Someone breating from an indeterminate direction. Later I e librarian, s  tcain pen racing across a pad of paper. t evening, someone began singing tunelessly to o a spot in tion. Not a soul around, I lay doo t carpet, catc nail. Carefully cut and nearly indiscernible, a carpet square o t, covering a panel or c open, but tartled me by clearing . itood up, mumbled an apology, and  back to my corner. Convinced t someto catcalk.

    Next morning, my books itles scrambled out of alpical order and all my bookmarks missing. t of tended to read, ening for any noises from beloo tion. t square ly raised above tapped on t a ed beneatoiled beloricks to furt red-led beood, stamped do a a word.

    t boy made me anxious, so I  out and stayed on til ticed me on t, but surned aended not to care. Alone again, I searco t  entranceo trip around tairs,  tion like a baby being born and stood t, blinking in t. Afraid t  attack me, I looked left and rige. ly at me, as if to seize my t in ed a for me to see  t w was. A  keep from laughing.

    Nervous for  my mot.  upstairs, I crept t knife, an iron crorong rope. From tole my fat kerosene camping lamp, its o touctered o lig it came to life and suffused ted corner hly glow.

    Insomnia gripped me t feil t back and memorized t of t step by step o do. Patience nearly deserted me. t  about my business as if not t remarkable ced savants ics or anotract system. I ory of av Ungerland and to me.

    But more tion, I simply and desperately ed my symp e a note kno op me from making urn t, or steal it back if need be. By no I ted to restoring my life.

    Unmistakable noises stirred beneatied, I napped in t seat of my car. Sultry August  poured in tended. tars  s nap ook out tools, and skulked over to telling  in a tounnels, tc t to tion. Anxious, I spent tctempting to ligern. t last caug clung to my sy back, and t. it a square and sa it op a small trapdoor, easily pried open  square separated our two worlds.

    Ligered up from belores and books, bottles and dis douck my criking snake,  of mine, not inc once, for ly as I ion in an old mirror.  no substance, and  move but stared back silently  blinking, ion, as if oo, ing for t and for it all to be over.

    togeto men, and men dream of took measure of t nigaken, and all at once my long-ern ring bit into my fingers, and my left eye tcension. t time I regretted av. For tess and ion but t of my oerrible to o such a boy.

    quot;Im sorry,quot; I said, and ed as I stared at to be.  in t brief moment   it go. A kind of eupook a deep breat myself again.

    quot;ait,quot; I called out to  turned and slid feet first t. ticipated, and I bumped my ood. tto  a murky sern to better see.  for t ansions. I ed noto talk to o forgive and be forgiven. quot;Im not going to  you,quot; I cried out in tling free of t and t knife on ty lantern creaked in my  s the room.

    me like a trapped fox. rembled as I approacing, searc illuminated tacks of paper and books. At , tied in a strand of tten pages sat next to my purloined score. My music had survived.

    quot;Cant you understand me?quot; I  my o ;I  to talk to you.quot;

    t eyeing te corner as if someone or someting turned to look,  me, knocking into ted tering tone s and papers ignited at once, and I snatcing it against my leg to extinguiso trance. As if fixed to t, ood gazing up in amazement, and just before climbing out of time: quot;;

    o me and smiled, t could not be understood. By time I got upstairs, a fog of smoke rose t follo as to lick tacks of books.

    After tess saved me. Distraug truction of tion  my fault, altted tories and fairy tales to see tmares and daydreams, to transfigure t not being able to remain children forever.

    tess and Ed seems I ed my spate of frequent visits and quot;erratic be; tern in t to link back to me ed my feeble explanations, and tle  e clearly  any proof, tter faded. tigation, as far as I knoo local lore, as if t into flames.

    ess and Eded er t times  over y, I searco tell ruty.

    quot;I feel responsible, in part,quot; tess told me over dinner. quot;And  rebuilding.quot; Over our lamb clined a plan to raise money for tails arrived in suc I kneess emplating tter since turn. quot;ell start a book drive, too, and you can make your concert a benefit for t;

    Stunned and relieved, I could raise no objection, and over t s of activity overacking tudio and garage.  age became a beeentioned. tantly o op of t interrupted our peace. An artist came by to ser designs for t. Advance tickets urday morning, Leo install it in ts a udents and tructed it measure by measure. t me too exed to consider my conflicted emotions. S up in tion tess ed, I could only truly function by concentrating on te for the performance drew near.

    From tco t premiere of tolen C nige October. Since I ors baton to Oscar Love, and our old Coverboys drummer Jimmy Cummings impani. Oscar ed a tuxedo for t oo respectable versions of our former selves. A feeac toget remaining nuns from our grade sctended. Ebullient as ever, my sisters s t me as if to impart a dose of  confidence. I  surprised to see Eileen Blake escorted by o. ary frig tudied ionally er all, and takes after  but appearance. itamed, and dressed up in  suit and tie, Edoget bot over ty of cess could not stop grinning t crooked smile of fully so, for to e long ago was nearly hers.

    to let in some fresumn nigs  breeze crossed tar and tioned at tics, and my back o t of tra as ook our positions; from tapped and tensed ton.

    From t notes, I ermined to tell tory of olen and replaced by someone else, and yet bot. In place of tance and separation from tion tilled, ant, and I could feel ted to t isfy myself. ture teased out ts: a, lamentation, and redemption, and at t ook up to to indicate t  save. And as Oscar erplay, I sacened to our music. As tempo slo, I took more co cching us.

    ening intently to t, I sao us  myself in its flo, I  strange face in t  me alone in t return.

    t notes of tomped for us. urned from to t one of tess ed Edo o join in joyful bravos, and caug must be done.

    By ing tess, I ask for your forgiveness so t I mig all to you. Music took me part of t tep is truto understand and accept t no matter  too late. My years of struggle to become ory. Facing to face myself. As I let go t, t let go of me.

    tole me aime in t among time to return came at last, I accepted tural order. e found t to ask  peroo far gone to reacime, and he has become someone else, someone new. he is gone, and now I am henry Day.