Ster again, more sloime, t a time before s it back into ting it, and for a moment sed reading anot s delay any longer. Lon ing for her.

    of took a deep breatarted across t, sill  sure o  finally come until s and saanding in the lobby.

    tory ends tebook, remove my glasses, and ired and bloods, but t failed me so far. to  I  s look back. Instead saring out t tyard, w.

    My eyes folloogettern  cer breakfast, to arrive. Young adults, alone or o visit tograps and eit on troll along tree-lined pato give a sense of nature. Some ay for t most leave after a fe I knos not my business. And I do not ever ask t itled to s. But soon, I ell you some of mine.

    I place tebook and magnifier on table beside me, feeling to . t surprise me anymore, ts ohese days.

    Im not completely unfortunate, s and do t to make me more comfortable. t me  tea on table, and I reac  is an effort to pour a cup, but I do so because tea is needed to ion ely rusting a I am rusted no about it. Rusted as a junked car ty years in tlands region in southern Florida).

    I o  is somet do. Not for duty - alt for anotic, reason. I s still early, and talking about romance isnt really possible before lunc least not for me. Besides, I s going to turn out, and to be , Id rat get my hopes up.

    e spend eacoget our nig alone. tors tell me t Im not alloo see er dark. I understand tely, and times break te at nig, I o ch her while she sleeps.

    Of t  not been for  ter t I  as muco  means more to me to explain.

    Sometimes,  o o  forty-nine years. Next mont  long. S forty-five, but since t in separate rooms. I do not sleep  oss and turn and yearn for  of t, eyes open cumble. I sleep to me.

    Soon, t. tries in my diary er and take little time to e.

    I keep t of my days are t tonig one of t I  goes like this:

    I neer ruck before t hour

    it,

    bloomed like a s flower

    And stole my  ae.

    Because our evenings are our o told. I o go because I am too old to devote myself to a sc deep doed only by ts of une (抓阄转轮television game seeture is tVs blare because no one can hear well anymore.

    Men or  me s. quot;Im so glad youve come,quot; t my wife.

    Sometimes I tell t tell tness and augo see tiful place it is. Or I tell togetarry soutures toget sremely positive revieique) revieics ing in languages I do not understand. Mostly, tell t surn from me, for I kno  me to see t reminds tality. So I sit o lessen their fears.

    Be composed - be at ease h me...

    Not till the sun excludes you do I exclude you,

    Not till ters refuse to glisten for you and to rustle for you,

    Do my o glisten and rustle for you.

    And I read, to let them know who I am.

    I  to myself, ill-assorted, contradictory, pausing, gazing, bending, and stopping.

    If sry. tman, Eliot, She Psalms. Lovers of words, makers of language.

    Looking back, I am surprised by my passion for it, and sometimes I even regret it nory brings great beauty to life, but also great sadness, and Im not sure its a fair exc by a reading lamp.

    I so. I must get a new cusime.

    I reacake it, bony and fragile. It feels nice. Sco softly rub my finger. I do not speak until s days I sit in silence until t her.

    Minutes pass before surns to me. S. I take out a  ears. S me as I do so, and I wonder w shinking.

    quot;t iful story.quot;

    A ligo fall. Little drops tap gently on take  is going to be a good day, a very good day. A magical day. I smile, I cant .

    quot;Yes, it is,quot; I tell her.

    quot;Did you e it?quot; s he leaves.

    quot;Yes,quot; I answer.

    Surns tostand (nigable, small bedside table). tle cup. Mine too. Little pills, colors like a rainbo forget to take to  supposed to.

    quot;Ive  before,  I?

    quot;Yes,quot; I say again, just as I do every time on days like to be patient.

    Sudies my face. her eyes are as green as ocean waves.

    quot;It makes me feel less afraid,quot; she says.

    quot;I kno; I nod, rocking my ly.

    Surns a some more. Ser glass. It is on stand, next to takes a sip.

    quot;Is it a true story?quot; Ss up a little in akes anotill strong. quot;I mean, did you kno;

    quot;Yes,quot; I say again. I could say more, but usually I dont. Sill beautiful.

    S;ell, w;

    I ans;t for ;

    quot;?quot;

    I smile. quot;Youll kno; I say quietly, quot;by t;

    S knoo t t does not question me furtead so fidget. So ask me anotion, t sure o do it. Instead so put it off for a moment and reactle paper cups. quot;Is t;

    quot;No, t; and I reaco akes it and looks at tell by t t s to pick up my cup and dump to my mout today. t makes it easy. I raise my cup in a mock toast and y flavor from my moutea. It is getting colder. Ser.

    A bird starts to sing outside turn our  quietly for a oget is lost, and s;I o ask you somet; she says.

    quot;ever it is, Ill try to ans;

    quot;Its ;

    S look at me, and I cannot see s.

    Some things never change.

    quot;take your time,quot; I say. I know w she will ask.

    Finally surns to me and looks into my eyes. Sle smile, t a lover.

    quot;I dont  to  your feelings because youve been so nice to me, but...quot;

    I .  me. tear a piece from my  and leave a scar.

    quot;;

    e  Creekside Extended Care Facility for t   , signed some papers, and just like t o live and die in excime.

    S to do t alone, for sickness o us, botes in ticking. Loudly. I .

    A t reminds me t  it is my fault, not  is artis in t form, roid 风湿症and advanced. My esque no of my  tated, but t be able to do ttle t do. So I use my claimes, and every day I take e t to  is o do.

    Alto be 120, I dont  to, and I dont t even if I did. It is falling apart, dying one piece at a time, steady erosion on t ts. My o fail, and my  rate is decreasing every montime of tate前列腺. t  ake me eventually, t till I say it is time. tors are  me, but I am not. I ime for  of my life.

    Of our five cill living, and t is o visit, ten, and for t even ears t come ures line tage, my contribution to times I  all, or if s  understand anymore.

    I  he would do if he were me.

    I  seen y years and  a ss. I cannot picture  s sure if to a failing memory or simply time. I ure of oo en years it will be gone and so will I, and  for my diaries, I would swear I had lived only half as long as I have.

    Long periods of my life seem to e t remember ts of my life. times I sit and wonder w all has gone.

    quot;My name,quot; I say, quot;is Duke.quot; I have always been a John ayne fan.

    quot;Duke,quot; so ;Duke.quot; S, her forehead wrinkled, her eyes serious.

    quot;Yes,quot; I say, quot;Im ; And alo myself.

    S and red, and tears begin to fall.

    My  acime t thing I could do.

    S;Im sorry. I dont understand anyts o me rigen to you talk I feel like I s I dont. I dont even kno;

    S ears and says, quot; least, ;

    I ans I lie to   my ohis.

    quot;You are rengto those who shared in your friendships.

    quot;You are a dream, a creator of ist wouchousand souls.

    quot;Youve led a full life and ed for notual and you o look inside you. You are kind and loyal, and you are able to see beauty eacter t;

    I stop for a moment and catc;o feel lost, for:

    Not, or can be lost, No birtity, form - no object of thing;...

    t from earlier fires, ... s;

    S oice t topped noer into her room.

    S;Did you e t?quot;

    quot;No, t  man.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;A lover of ;

    S respond directly. Instead sares at me for a long . In. Out. In. Out. Deep breatiful.

    quot;ould you stay ; she finally asks.

    I smile and nod. Sakes it gently, and pulls it to . Sares at ts t deform my fingers and caresses tly. ill those of an angel.

    quot;Come,quot; I say as I stand  effort, quot;lets go for a ing. Its beautiful today.quot; I am staring at  few words.

    S makes me feel young again.

    S souters of tietury, some said, and I was, and am, proud of her.

    Unlike me, o e even t of verses, my e beauty as easily as ted tings are in museums around t I  only t one s one. te at nig and stare and sometimes cry  know why.

    And so ting, raising cos of Cmases, family trips, of graduations and of weddings.

    I see grandcos of us, our er, time t seems so typical, yet uncommon.

    e could not foresee ture, but t live noed to. And ? Retirement. Visits ravel. So travel. I t t perart a  I did not kno possibly stles. Small, detailed, impossible to consider no I am not bitter.

    Our lives cant be measured by our final years, of t lay a seems obvious, but at first I t andable and not unique. S ? S a neig not someone imes se t  again I dismissed it as simple mistakes t one makes  until ts occurred t I began to suspect t.

    An iron in too. But teering ened.

    And sened, too, for o me and said, quot;Os o me? Please ; A knot ted in my stomac I dared not t.

    Six days later tor met ests. I did not understand t understand t I suppose it is because I am afraid to kno an  back t day.

    t day  day I ever spent. I looked t read and played games I did not t. Finally o  us do I remember clearly t my own hands were shaking.

    quot;Im so sorry to o tell you t; Dr. Barn;but you seem to be in tages of Alz;

    My mind  blank, and all I could t  t glowed above our heads.

    tages of Alzheimers . . .

    My  ig to ;O;

    And as tears started to fall, to me again:... Alzheimers...

    It is a barren disease, as empty and lifeless as a desert. It is a ts and souls and memories. I did not knoo say to h.

    tor  my age in hink was:

    No droop;...

    A s  t me no comfort. I dont kno or hem.

    e rocked to and fro, and Allie, my dream, my timeless beauty, told me she was sorry.

    I kneo forgive, and I ; I y as a junked stovepipe (火炉的烟囱).

    I remember only bits and pieces of Dr. Barninuing explanation.

    quot;Its a degenerative brain disorder affecting memory and personality . . . to tell  it  differs from person to person ... I er t ime … Im sorry to be to tell you … quot;

    Im sorry...

    Im sorry...

    Im sorry...

    Everyone hemselves.

    I dont remember leaving tors office, and I dont remember driving home.

    My memories of t day are gone, and in the same.

    It  of it, if t is possible.

    Allie organized, as o leave te . S specific burial instructions, and t in my desk, in ttom drao e. Letters to friends and cters to broters and cousins. Letters to nieces, nepter to me.

    I read it sometimes ed by a roaring fire  ters I ten to  tters, and noo do so. S to do ; I find I enjoy reading bits and pieces of t as so. trigue me, tters, for  romance and passion are possible at any age. I see Allie noters, I come to understand t I  the same way.

    I read t ter I s  to tack of letters, tall and ied tself almost ury old, and found tters erime of letters, letters professing my love, letters from my . I glanced tter from our first anniversary.

    I read an excerpt:

    o me, and .

    I put it aside, sifted tack, and found anoty-nine years ago.

    Sitting next to you,  comes only to ts, and I kne no man could be more lucky than me.

    And after our son died, t  time  till ring true today:

    In times of grief and sorro my oogetry to ears and despair and make it treets of life.

    I pause for just a moment, remembering  time, just a baby. I y times as long as  if asked, I errible to outlive your cragedy I wish upon no one.

    I do my best to keep tears a to clear my mind, and find t from our tieto t:

    udio covered  ted and tired eyes, I kno you are t beautiful he world.

    t on, t ired, but I tom of tack. tter remaining, t one I e o keep going.

    I lifted t t page into better ligo read:

    My dearest Allie, t except for t float from t a loss for  is a strange experience for me, for ime of memories. But to put it into  kno a poet, and yet a poem is needed to fully express t you.

    So my mind drifts, and I remember t our life togete   myself beside t table and  I saiful and sensitive and  t comes  sure I understand, I o tell tory.

    I called Jeff and David into tcold t us and o me so long ago.

    I told t our cened  tting in front of torm raging outside. I told t your mot Lon t day - told t er t day, after you  back to town.

    t part of tory  me, even after all time. Even t t to me only once, and I remember marveling at trengt day. I still cannot imagine o t must  to talk to old me t t t on a benc c  you must stay.

    I knoo me he cared for you as well.

    No,  understand losing you, but  you  it  be fair to  release your  and angry, and tried for almost an o c ;I cant go back ;  your decision  togetime  speaking. I

    Im sure it  only a fe I ood then why your choice was so hard.

    I remember t  until Kate finally stood to embrace me. quot;O; sears in ed to ansions, t ask any. Instead, thing much more special.

    For t four old me o told stories about tten.

    And by t take t ao enjoy it h me.

    After t, I rocked in silence, toget least in my , and it is impossible for me to remember a time  of me. I do not kno day, but I  t I  thankfully Ill never know.

    I love you, Allie. I am ure, every day ogetest day of my life. I will always be yours.

    And, my darling, you will always be mine.